my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
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