Umm I'm too high to move.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
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who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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