You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
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I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
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PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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