Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
