My friends, they love my intelligence
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
