Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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