in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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