We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
