I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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