oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
