The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
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