She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
