I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
