If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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