but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
