I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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