i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
