Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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