Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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