After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
