i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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