chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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