Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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