Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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