I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
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Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
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Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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