You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
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What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
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Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
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