He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
