So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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