Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
