My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
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He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
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Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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