I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
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yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
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Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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