he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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