it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
