He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
