some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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