i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
