What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
