I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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