I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
