yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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