I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
