no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
