How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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