On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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