I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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