I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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