Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Randomize
