I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Randomize
