If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
