First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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