I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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