he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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