no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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