Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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