It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
