It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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