Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Randomize
