how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
It was confusing and full of hummus
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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