I skipped work to stalk him.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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