Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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