I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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