I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
the condom got lost in my hair
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
