Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
as a side note pls kill me
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
